I’ve been thinking for a long time about how to address my youngest colleagues on a topic that some find very sensitive, but nonetheless merit discussion. How to find your strength and motivation within, without looking to others for approval. In particular, as I look around me today, I see many young women especially in my bar, the criminal defence / mental health justice sector, working with older male “mentors” to whom they defer at all cost and whose validation they constantly seek.
Nothing I say here is intended to diminish or denigrate the talent and competence of my younger women colleagues. Quite the opposite. I just worry that you not lose precious time you could be using to strengthen your own voice, whilst you wait for someone to approve of it instead. And I speak from my own experience over many years – years that I now consider lost, because like you, I was working toward that stamp of approval from my older male colleagues, to whom I looked for guidance and wanted to impress.
When I first became a lawyer in 1992, half of law students and hence, new lawyers, were women. However, the generation senior to me were all still mostly men. Unfortunately, given the exodus of women from criminal defence after the 10 year mark, things have not changed much, if at all, in our practice area. Most senior practitioners are still men. There are precious few senior women mentors within criminal defence. Yet another reason why retention of women in the defence bar is such a huge and pressing concern.
Given the demographics, it is only natural that so many young women starting out in criminal defence will be working under the supervision or direct guidance of older male lawyers, who comprise the largest percentage of senior counsel. In mental health justice, I was fortunate enough to have one woman who paved the way, blazing trails, with whom I got to work a bit when I was younger – the great Carla McKague. And before that, as a student, the incomparable Mary Eberts. However, apart from those two incredible women, most of the senior practitioners whom I admired as a young lawyer, were men. And to their credit, they took me under their wing and many were genuinely motivated to mentor and guide me toward success in my career. I am forever grateful for all that.
That all said, ultimately we have to appreciate that our male colleagues, who are older, have not experienced first hand the challenges we face as women in the law, and struggle to understand it. I recently learned that most men are absolutely shocked to hear about the prevalence of sexual harassment we face day in and day out in our professional lives. None of this surprises our women colleagues, who’ve been there. This is just one example. The point is that men simply cannot know how we are treated and the challenges we face as women practising law. And this is the case across the board.
Add to that, the “mentoring” relationships between older men in the defence bar and younger women can hold us back if we invest all our efforts into trying to get a seal of approval from that one mentor alone. I fell victim to this unhealthy pattern myself and I see many examples of these relationships replicated around me even today. The contributing factors are many and likely unique to each relationship, but it’s all potentially quite problematic. If what you’re trying to do is be more like your role model. If what they want you to be is more like them. If you unwittingly locate your own worth in that other person’s assessment of how you are faring as a lawyer.
Of course, the generalized problem of looking to others for validation is not restricted to women, young women, lawyers or criminal defence. But the prevalence of these particular relationships in our bar cannot be ignored. Many work well, and serve the interest of the newest members of our bar. However, there are also some that are potentially harmful, even toxic, and serve an an impediment to a younger woman’s career advancement and success.
I spent way too much time working hard to hear two little words: “Good job” from men I deeply admired. I was involved in more than one such professional relationship, albeit with brilliant, charming, compelling legal minds and outstanding advocates. I learned a lot from each such connection – no doubt about that. But, sadly, when I didn’t receive the validation I sought or they were critical of me, that really harmed me. It did hold me back. I was left doubting myself. If they didn’t view my work or ability as exceptional, maybe it wasn’t. Or so I thought. Well, I was wrong. I’m a great lawyer and was always better than I thought I was, better than I was led to believe. I should have been nurtured more, supported better and acknowledged earlier in my career. I simply was not encouraged enough.
The thing is there are many reasons why approval is withheld. Sometimes it doesn’t serve the other person’s interest to recognize your potential, value or successes. Sometimes what serves their interest best is for you to continue to seek and need their validation, which they can dole out sparingly, keeping you hooked into that loop – working harder and harder to gain the coveted praise. And in my experience, none of that is worth the struggle – you just don’t need it. You can stand on your own two feet. And you will stand TALL!
By the way, very unfortunately, this tendency to withhold validation, refuse to acknowledge our accomplishments, fear of lavishing praise, is not restricted to private professional or personal relationships between individuals — male and female lawyers. It is played out with equal regrettable regularity day in and day out systemically, profession-wide. For example, it was acutely on display very recently, in the early spring of 2024, when two women were the lawyers for the Appellant in a criminal case that was truly of national importance, precedent setting, and guaranteed to affect every accused whose defence engages section 8 issues respecting internet use. If this was a case litigated by two men, legal media, social media and various list services would have exploded with high-fives among the usual suspects. The male lawyers, were they responsible for a major change in the law to the benefit of all criminally accused, would have been lauded as brave leaders who work tirelessly for the good of the people and hailed broadly throughout the bar – not only by their male colleagues either, but by everyone. Meanwhile, this case, solely the result of two women’s work over many years and their exceptionally talented advocacy, was largely ignored.
At first, attempts were made to minimize the impact or significance of this seminal case. Once that became impossible, many male commentators twisted themselves into right pretzels trying to find other men to credit for the win. Every obscure (male) academic who ever wrote on search and seizure was tagged as blazing these trails. Male leaders in our local criminal defence bar were thanked for their years of service, ultimately allowing for this wonderful result. NO MAN acknowledged the work of these fabulous women on any list or in social media for the first numbers of DAYS after the Supreme Court released the Judgment. Once this was pointed out, two or three of the men actually saw the systemic bias for what it was and to their credit immediately self-corrected. But most of the rest never did. They held their own webinars and discussions hosting other men to explain what these women had accomplished. Only WiCCD (Women in Canadian Criminal Defence) featured the women themselves to discuss their own case. Only WiCCD championed them, aggressively at times, to shed light on the gender bias, and the reaction of our women colleagues was overwhelming support and celebration of counsel as heroes. The rightful victors that they just were.
This is not to suggest that every man practising criminal law is a misogynist. Much of the systemic bias is also unconscious or implicit. Probably best referenced as “sub-conscious”. Most men likely aren’t even aware they’re engaging in silencing and marginalizing their women colleagues in criminal defence. But the erasure is complete and effective regardless, just as it is insidious and extremely dangerous – harmful to the individual women robbed of their due credit, and damaging to all women in the profession because it sends them a clear message “You’re invisible.” “You don’t matter.”
So for today, I am here to say only this. Speaking for myself, surrounding myself with my women colleagues, almost exclusively now, has been eye-opening and empowering. And trusting myself, looking at how I perform objectively, assessing where I’m at on my own merit, has been liberating and affirming. I know I’m doing a good job for my clients. I know that I have exceptional skills and talent. I can be proud of myself and be empowered by what I accomplish for my clients and in my work without a single older man’s praise. Or at this stage of the game, any man’s acknowledgement.
I do not need men to validate my existence. And where they have sought to cut me down, keep me down, I was wrong to let any of that affect me adversely. Those opinions were not born out of anything legitimate, they were signs of others’ own insecurities, fears, jealousy or envy. Problems that have nothing to do with me. But problems not uncommonly observed in these particular pairings that replicate regularly.
It took me 30 years to fully internalize this. TRUST YOURSELF. Develop your own style. Look in the mirror at the end of the day and reflect honestly on your effort and success. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to get you down or keep you down. Speak to your women colleagues. “Mentoring” only works where you’re truly supported. It’s not worth waiting around for praise that’s hard to get or never comes. Do good work for your clients’ sake and your own sense of self. Learn to know your own worth. You’re worth it! You got this. Oh, and every chance you get, boost, elevate and celebrate your women colleagues. Because nobody else is going to. And they too, deserve it!!
anitaszigeti 